our little world is only big enough for us
by Sway1984
Summary: "This is real, you know. You and me. Right here." Ste curls up against him, playing with the buttons of Brendan's shirt. "Nothing can hurt you when you're here." - early 2013


"Douglas…," there is a stunned silence at the other end of the line, "not to worry, I just want to… Steven asks you for a favor."

"So why are you calling me?"

"He's a busy man. As you should be, too. Now listen, would you be a good lad and take the kids tonight?"

"Excuse me? I just thought you asked me to take the kids."

"You heard me right."

"Why?"

"Because they adore your Yankee ass." Again, there is silence. Brendan clears his throat and his next words come as rapid fire. "Alright, listen. Steven's been working overtime all week and he deserves a night off. And with the kids yapping about, that ain't happening. Now, be a good daddy-Douglas and pick up the munchkins, would ya?"

"So you're asking me on Ste's behalf out of the goodness of your heart?"

"Promise not to tell."

"Like anyone would believe me." Doug says more to himself than into the receiver. "Alright, fine. I'll pick them up after my shift."

"Don't be late." That's as much 'thank you' as Brendan manages before he hangs up.

"What is all this?" Ste drops his keys and jacket, looking incredulously around the flat.

There is food on the coffee table in the living room, a bottle of wine among it. There's flowers there, too, and a couple of candles placed in a non-pattern around the room.

He feels Brendan behind him before they actually touch and he welcomes the strong embrace. "Did you do this?"

"Me and my merry herd of leprechauns." Brendan presses a kiss to the side of Ste's neck before giving him a little nudge.

"Seriously, though. What is this?"

"It's dinner, Steven."

"But what for?"

"For eating." Impatience touches Brendan's voice. He clears his throat, does it again, looking anywhere but at Ste. "Look, Steven, this… things haven't been… since my dad came here, things haven't been…"

"Brendan…"

"No, let me... things haven't been as I thought… hoped they'd be, and... that's 'cause I don't know how to handle him… That you were the one to suffer was never… I'm sorry, Steven. You know that, right?"

Without reply, Ste steps up to him and kisses him, long and slow. "This is a big romantic gesture, then?"

Brendan returns the kiss in kind. "It's dinner."

They eat and they have wine and there is music playing. Whenever Ste looks at Brendan, the older man looks away from him, averting his gaze. And whenever he does that, there's a tiny smile twitching around Brendan's mouth.

"So you're not going to look at me then, are you?" Ste says after the seventh attempt to make eye contact.

Brendan's look is shy and sheepish when he finally looks at him, like he can't really believe all this is happening.

"This is real, you know. You and me. Right here." Ste curls up against him, playing with the buttons of Brendan's shirt. "Nothing can hurt you when you're here."

Something in the way Brendan looks at him changes then. It's only subtle, just a fragment of an expression, and it's just a little more open, more present. He nods if only a little. "Thank you, Steven."

"And if you need reminding, you know where to find it."

Brendan is on him, then. It's not rough. It's not forceful. It's yearning. His hand goes up to Ste's neck, cradling his face, fingertips grazing the nape of his neck. His kiss is needy, almost desperate. He pushes into Ste, striving for contact.

Ste's hand on his chest stops him, and he is about to pull back when the younger man shakes his head. With another gentle nudge, he motions Brendan on his back. He stands, wavering a little on his feet, and starts unbuttoning his shirt.

Brendan watches him as Ste slowly strips out of his baby blue work attire he looks so delicious in. For a brief second, his gaze flicks away from Ste and he can feel heat rising in cheeks, in his entire being.

Of course, Ste has to catch that tiny slip of focus and stops in his tracks, self-consciously crossing his arms over his chest. "What's wrong? You change your mind?"

Brendan looks up at him, and he sees the old fear again. The fear he has instilled in that kid upon their first meeting, the fear Ste can't quite shake off just yet. He rises to his feet, and his body does this thing where it slips right back into that towering, menacing posture. Closing his eyes, he struggles against his own muscle memory, forcing himself to relax. He can relax around Ste, the young man probably being the only person he can truly be himself with. Ste has said so himself, Brendan is safe here.

"No." He reaches out and takes hold of Ste's wrists, guiding his arms around his own waist to pull him close. "Not anymore."

They kiss slowly now.

Slow and deliberate.

Like a first time.

Ste breaks away first. He takes Brendan by the hand and pulls him along to the bedroom.

They don't speak while they undress. At some point, Brendan even thinks he is not breathing at all as Ste unbuttons his shirt. He takes his time with him as if to commit every inch of skin he exposes to memory.

Brendan watches him, watches his hands and fingers, then he looks up into his eyes. They shine even more blue tonight and there is something else in them, too, something... something that tells Brendan things might just be okay. Things might work out for them.

He leans down and kisses Ste again, almost taking the young man by surprise. It's more heated now, more frantic and needy.

With his jeans halfway to his knees, Brendan almost trips as he pulls Ste along to the bed. They hit the mattress in a bit of a tangle. For a few minutes, it's a playful struggle for dominance, both craving just a little more contact, stripping each other completely.

Pinning Ste beneath him, he pushes a knee between the other's legs, making him buck up against him. He stifles a moan with a kiss - they have become really good at doing this quietly - feeling the sound Ste makes vibrate against his mouth.

He shifts his position, kissing his way down the side of Ste's neck, tonguing the point of his pulse.

"I want you." It comes as hardly more than a breath against heated skin. Against the crook of Ste's neck Brendan adds a barely audible: "Inside me."

He feels Ste give a start beneath him but he holds on, keeps him from looking at him. His attempt to cover the kid's mouth fails, though, which shouldn't be much of a surprise.

"You sure?" Ste's voice has an odd quality. There is arousal in there and excitement, but there is also insecurity and even fear.

Now, Brendan pulls back and does look at him. Ste's gaze is everything he feared it would be and he closes his eyes against the sensation that look creates inside him. "Yes." he replies simply, and a chill crawls down his spine.

Ste's hands go up to cradle his face and he pulls Brendan down for a kiss. He hooks one leg around the taller man's hips, pulling him in, leaving no doubt about who wants what and how much of it.

Writhing against him as they kiss is the only pressure Ste gives him. He is giving him time, time to decide whether to go forward or pull back.

It's Brendan who breaks the contact first, pushing himself up on his arms and out of Ste's immediate grasp. He looks at him, at those baby blues, for one long blink then dives down for another quick kiss. "Take your time."

With that, he pulls away from Ste and lies down on his stomach next to him. His face his half-buried in the pillows, away from Ste, and that's all permission he can give.

His eyes flicker close as Ste's hand runs over his arm, his tattoo and across his shoulder blade. Then he feels the young man's weight shift beside him, moving away from him until it settles across his thighs. He flinches, almost ends this, but then he reminds himself that this is Ste and he is safe with him.

Open-mouthed kisses trail along the nape of his neck, close to his ear. Of course, Ste has to speak. "You want me to stop, you tell me, right?"

Brendan nods. He stays. He wants this, needs this, for the both of them.

Ste goes back to kissing him, down between his shoulder blades, along his spine, gentle hands following in the wake of his mouth.

When he reaches the small of Brendan's back, he shifts off his legs, one hand lightly tracing the backside of his thigh. Brendan huffs a little laugh against his arm because he is ticklish exactly there and Ste knows it, and he shifts involuntarily, opening himself up.

He can feel Ste grin against his skin. Cheeky bastard.

Ste moves again, further down this time. He begins with a kiss into the back of Brendan's knee then goes up his thigh again. This time, he holds on to Brendan as he bucks against the touch. "Easy…," his words come muffled against Brendan's leg, "you're more ticklish than our Leah."

Brendan all but growls, shooting a quick look over his shoulder. "Can you not mention your…" He loses his thought when Ste reaches between his body and the mattress, fingers circling around his cock.

Ste hasn't learnt this from him and for a split-second, Brendan wonders where he has picked this up. Then Ste gives him a gentle nudge and he lifts his hips and there's a warm, demanding tongue running along the underside of his shaft and balls and all contemplation is nuisance.

He presses a muffled moan against the pillow, adjusting to the not at all unwelcome sensation. He has never done this, never exposed himself like this, not even to Ste. Having the young man's hands and mouth on him, making him harder than he could possibly be from such small ministration...

Ste is talking to him again, asking him a question to which Brendan only grunts an incoherent reply. Hell knows what he has just agreed to.

His body tenses when Ste runs a hand ever so lightly over his crack, barely even touching him. His brain is struggling, keeping his reflexes in check, while his mind conjures up Ste's words.

_Nothing can hurt you when you're here._

His thoughts are washed away when Ste parts him, kisses drawing closer until his tongue edges against the puckered skin of his hole.

Ste pulls back again and for a moment Brendan is able to wonder how that kid has gotten to know him so well. How he is able to find just the right amount of... everything.

In a straight line, Ste licks his way from the tip of Brendan's cock along the vein that almost hurts right now, tracing the thin line at the back of his balls up to his perineum before he gently circles his hole again.

There is an undignified sound at the back of Brendan's throat, something between a moan and a whimper, and he tries burying it in the pillow clutched in his arms.

The breath of Ste's little chuckle feels cool against his moist and heated skin. "Now imagine this with that big ol' tache of yours."

Brendan can't help but laugh at this, thinking back to the first time he had been in Ste's position. Back then, Ste hadn't been able to stop giggling.

This moment, this break, it relaxes Brendan. So when Ste dives into him again, with a little more pressure this time, he feels the tension ease out of his shoulders, his back, and he opens up to him.

Ste does take his time. His exploration is slow but deliberate as if he means to commit every possible and impossible inch of Brendan's body to memory. As if he draws a map with his tongue and hands, etching in every little sound Brendan makes, every twitch and shift, until he knows exactly how to play him.

Ste pulls back for a second and there's the tell-tale sound of a slender finger sliding between perfectly delicious lips. A chill runs down Brendan's spine but this time it's not fear, this time it is anticipation.

A careful finger brushes against Brendan's hole and he tenses a little. Ste isn't pushing in yet, he waits. He waits for Brendan to relax, to let him in.

Exhaling slowly, Brendan moves, pushes back against Ste's hand, feeling the tip of the young man's finger slip into him.

Ste meets the hesitant thrust with gentle pressure, sinking in to the first knuckle. The second is easier, a smooth slide, because Ste has prepared him perfectly, in ways Brendan would have never imagined.

For a second, his vision blurs as Ste curls his finger downward, applying pleasure to just the spot. Profanities tumble off Brendan's tongue as his senses get lit on fire. There is already pressure building in the pit of his stomach, making his toes curl.

When Ste pulls out of him, the loss feels so profound that Brendan feels himself whimper. For a different reason than he used to.

Ste smoothes a hand over the small of his back. He moves behind him and Brendan can feel his hot breath against his skin as the young man leans over him to retrieve a bottle of lube from the nightstand. The liquid is cold, trickling down his crack, and goose bumps erupt on Brendan's skin.

This time, Ste doesn't wait and he doesn't need to. He slides in all the way, pulls back leaving only his finger inside, pushes in again. This goes on for what feels like delicious hours until Brendan feels a second fingertip pressing against him. His body betrays his struggling mind as he opens up, letting Ste stretch him.

The thrusts are slow, careful, and with every other stroke, Ste curves his fingers down, sending white hot heat through Brendan's synapses.

The third finger hurts and there is no way for Brendan to deny that. His body tenses, shoulders arching, no matter how hard he tries to fight the urge to push back.

Ste is next to him then, breath hot against his temple. "I can stop if you want."

Brendan's mouth feels dry all of a sudden, and he has to lick his lips before he is able to speak. "No, just..."

He doesn't get any further before Ste leans and kisses him on the cheek bone. It's a simple gesture, if anything is ever simple between them.

The burn isn't so bad on the second try. Ste holds his hand steady, letting Brendan - or his body, really - do the work. When he finally manages to relax his muscles, it's easy and glorious and all those words in between. The only one coming to Brendan's tongue is a half-strangled: "Christ..." As if He has anything to do with this. No, this is all him and Steven. Just Steven.

"I want to see your face." Ste's words are a bombshell. That he sounds so... scared... is all wrong, considering what they are doing, what he is doing to Brendan right now. "I want to... When I... It's okay if you don't... We can..."

"Steven..."

With a groan, his arm has gone all but numb, Brendan reaches back and pulls Ste's hand back. He turns as far as he can, meeting Ste's uncertain gaze. Brendan only nods in a little jerking motion before Ste kisses any pending words away.

Brendan turns on his back again, awkwardly twisting beneath Ste's body. His eyes never leave Ste's as he reaches for the drawer in the nightstand and produces a condom. It's one of the flavored ones and as irony and karma have it, it's cherry. He tries to put all reassurance into the slight pressure of his fingers as he puts the tinfoil package into Ste's hand. He just isn't sure who needs it more.

Ste looks from him then, eyes fixed on their still joined hands. Brendan can tell it takes him a lot of courage to ask. "I'm… I'm not your first, am I?" The young man's cheeks turn crimson and it's the only thing that keeps Brendan from bolting right this very second.

He closes his eyes against the sensation that is bubbling up inside him. The fear - 8 - the panic - 16 - the helplessness - 24 - the resignation - 32 - the disgust - 40 - the hate.

"No," he replies and the word feels so wrong. Because in too many ways Ste is and in one way he isn't.

"Okay, good, 'cuz… you're mine." Ste grins a sheepish grin.

That takes Brendan by surprise. He could have made a safe bet with Noah but… Douglas? Really?

"That's not weird for you, is it? Because if it is then…"

"Shut up, Steven." Brendan sits up, kisses him again. Fierce and hard and needy.

He reaches between their bodies, fingers closing around Ste's cock, which with its slight curve and pre-cum dripping tip makes Brendan's palm sweaty and his mouth water. He gives him a few slow strokes, before he takes the condom from Ste and unwraps it. With one skilled move, he rolls it down to the base of Ste's shaft, making the young man moan in the most delicious way. Then he reaches for the lube and spreads a generous amount on the condom.

Brendan is stalling a little, buying time, which contradicts the pulsing desire inside of him. There is still that touch of fear - no, of unsheathed terror - in his every move.

When Ste pushes him back on the mattress, there is only one thing that keeps him from ending this. It's the look in Ste's eyes. There is something there that puts him at ease, let's him know that it'll be alright. That he doesn't need to be scared.

"I'll go slow." Ste kisses him, slides his body between his legs. "Like you did."

Brendan reaches up, cupping Ste's face to draw him into a rough kiss. It's both, to shut him up and to compartmentalize whatever it is he is feeling right now. He almost - just almost - doesn't notice how Ste positions himself against him.

When Ste pushes into him, Brendan shatters.

There is no air in his lungs. There is no thought in his mind. There is just… Steven.

Ste can mend him. He can put all those pieces back together again.

He can make him believe.

There is no pain when Ste moves forward, a slight pressure, yes, but no pain. That is new, and it is good. In fact, that feeling is glorious.

Brendan's eyes flicker shut along with a low groan when Ste has pushed in all the way.

"Look at me." Ste's voice filters through all the sensations. It's not a rough demand but a gentle reminder. "Are you okay?"

Brendan looks at him, at those shiny baby blue eyes he could lose himself in, and he nods. It's not enough for Ste. "Yeah… yes." And he is. As if to confirm his words, to himself and to Ste, Brendan pushes back, muscles tightening around Ste.

The young man moans his name, a quiver going through his body. "Do that again, and this won't take very long."

"What, this?" Brendan repeats his motion.

"God, Brendan…"

Brendan feels a grin spread on his face. That is new, too. Well, not entirely new because with Ste, it has never been _just_ about the sex. Brendan had tried to convince himself of that in the beginning, had tried to reason with himself that he just wanted to get his rocks off with the kid. Then one night they had ended up in bed laughing about some stupid shit, and along those lines Brendan had noticed the changes. How it wasn't just about sleeping with Ste, how it had become about _being_ with him.

"Go easy."

Brendan's hands travel down Ste's back, cupping his butt, pulling him even closer. When he lets go, Ste pulls back almost all the way, leaving just the tip of his cock inside. He has learned that from Brendan.

Ste's rhythm is slow and relaxed, both of them adjusting to the new sensation. When they find just the angle, he speeds up a little, his body causing just the right friction against Brendan's.

He can tell that Ste's won't be able to last forever, not like this. Not with their bodies all but glued together, both dwelling in what this night has turned into. It doesn't matter. In fact, Brendan wants to feel Ste cum inside him, wants to see his face when he does, without his own senses being caught up in the haze of orgasm.

So he lets one hand move down again, one finger sliding along his crack and right over the soft skin around Ste's hole. Ste tenses, he must still feel a bit sore from the night before, but it doesn't break this rhythm. It even urges him on and he pulls out further, pushes in deeper.

Brendan teases him, keeping his hand still, the tip of his index finger ever so slightly grazing Ste's sphincter.

"I can't…," Ste breaths against his cheek as he leans down. His skin is hot and sweaty and he smells impossibly good. "I'm going to…"

He only lasts a few more thrusts before Ste's body goes rigged. His hips twitch and his jaw goes slack and it's a beautiful sight. It's different from when Brendan is inside him, if only by a fraction. There is disbelief there, adoration, confusion, love. It's Steven stripped bare.

Brendan feels him cum inside him, the thin sheath of protection taking most of the edge off, but he can still feel the pulse, the spasm, feels more than hears the low rumble of a moan in Ste's chest.

If he could draw this out forever, Brendan would. He wants to commit it all to memory, every beat and fraction. He wants to shine this light into the darkness inside him, wants to replace childhood horrors with something good, something so utterly perfect that everything within him hurts.

Ste goes all but limp on top of him when he is finished, his skinny arms not able to support his weight any longer.

"I'm sorry..." The words are hoarse and at first, Brendan doesn't understand them, neither acoustically nor their meaning. "I didn't mean..."

"Don't ever apologize to me, Steven." Brendan cups the young man's flushed face. He looks even younger than he is. He can't help but kiss more redundant words off his lips.

"But you didn't…" Ste manages to push himself back and he is about to pull out when Brendan stops him.

"Stay." Brendan places a hand in the small of Ste's back. "Stay inside me."

Ste pushes back in, making Brendan's vision blur for a second. He is still hard inside him, still fills him, fits him so well.

With the other hand, Brendan reaches between their bodies for his cock. It's sticky with precum, and feels raw from the friction. His fingers slide around his length and he almost cums in an instant as if he has been teetering in the edge for the past hour. He probably has been.

Ste looks at him with some sort of adoring curiosity, watches him stroking himself like it's the most fascinating thing he has ever seen.

They rarely do this, just watching each other like this. Mostly because there is no way Brendan can keep his hands off Ste once the young man starts taking his clothes off. And also because Brendan feels entirely too vulnerable and exposed, the nagging thought in the back of his mind that he has to prove something.

The breath hitches in Brendan's throat when Ste's hand closes over his, asking to take over. For a second, he hesitates, then he pulls his hand back and gives in to Ste's demand. In the end it is an easy decision for Ste knows so much better what he likes and needs. The boy has learned how to play him play like a finely tuned instrument in months of sneaking about in basements, locked offices and darkened corners. In ways, that's how their darker times are worth something in the end.

Reminiscence scatters as Ste begins stroking him in the driven yet relaxed pace that never fails. Especially not today that Ste is filling him in more ways than just physically.

That, taken for itself, is sending Brendan's mind over the edge. The sensation of being stretched and full, he had never believed it could ever be associated with something than utter disgust, with something good and healthy and loving and arousing again.

His body follows suit, unable to withstand Ste's skilled fingers. His world becomes a pinpoint, everything inside and around him tightens until he can no longer breathe.

The space between them becomes a sticky mess as Brendan spends himself over Ste's hand and his own stomach.

It's almost painful and full of bliss and all the things along the way. His senses are tingling and the only thing he is actually aware of is Steven.

Ste holds on to him, guides him through his height until he is dwindling down again. And even then, he is still there, glued to Brendan in so many ways. He is so very present to his entire being, that a shiver runs down Brendan's spine when Ste moves.

Before Ste can pull away from him, Brendan reaches for his hand and guides it to his mouth. The young man watches him with intense fascination as he cleans him with his lips and tongue. He finishes with a kiss to Ste's wrist, feeling the racing pulse against his mouth.

Ste's hips twitch forward and a groan escapes Brendan, this one laced with pain. Suddenly, he is all too aware of how raw he feels, pure pleasure turning into distracting discomfort.

"Can you...," he feels embarrassed to ask and heat rises into his cheeks. It's ridiculous, really.

Ste reaches between them, fingers circling around the base of his cock to keep hold of the condom and he starts to pull out.

"Easy, easy," Brendan presses through gritted teeth, wincing.

Ste slows down then, and he leans down to kiss the pained expression off Brendan's face.

The sensation is weird, being empty again. For a few blurred blinks it's the worst feeling in the world, raw and lonely.

When Ste draws away from him, Brendan reaches for his arm, holding him back. "Don't get up."

"But I...," Ste begins, gesturing down his body, but Brendan cuts him short with a kiss.

"Stay." With what little strength is left in his body, he flips Ste on his back. He takes the condom off him, ties it up and stashes it into a paper tissue Ste blindly grabs from the bedside table. Leaning down to kiss Ste again, he drops it next to the bed.

"That is disgusting, you know. And unsanitary." The look on his face betrays the sincerity of Ste's words.

"As disgusting as laying in your wet spot?" Brendan smirks down at him. When he turns on his back again, he pulls Ste along, getting him to fit so perfectly against his side.

"This is yours, actually."

"So we'll change the sheets later." His voice is touched by impatience he doesn't want to feel but it's there and he hates it. He takes a loud breath before he continues. "And we'll take a shower."

"Or a bath?"

"Or a bath. Until then..." Brendan's arm around Ste's shoulders tightens. "Just stay, would you?"

Ste huffs a little laugh that tickles against Brendan's chest. "Brendan Brady, a proper cuddler."

"If you say that in public..." There is no weight to the threat.

"You'll kill me, yeah yeah." Ste lays his head on Brendan's chest and he looks beautiful there. His skin is flushed, his hair damp against his forehead, eyes hazy. "So what brought this on then?"

Brendan remains quiet for a long time. He doesn't really have an answer, so he opts for the only thing that feels real and honest to him. "It was time."

Ste twists to look up at him, then leans up on one elbow to give him a chaste, gentle kiss. "You feel amazing, you know?"

Heat flares up inside him, and Brendan takes the compliment with his eyes anywhere but on Ste. A smile inches onto his face. "Thank you."

"I am just sayin'."

"No, Steven." Brendan's smile falters now and looks down at Ste. For the fraction of a second he is tempted to tell him, tell him everything. It's not the time. So he tries to put all of it in just the two words, making them weigh the world. "Thank you."

Ste looks at him, searching, and he knows there is something more. He also knows that this is all he will get from Brendan. So he settles down again, fingers lazily tracing the blurred ink scribble above Brendan's heart.

"You know that I love you, right?" Brendan says after a while and it makes Ste stir.

"Of course I do. I love you, too."

"Good," Brendan makes a noise, "that's good."

"Yeah, it is." Ste presses a kiss against Brendan's and he looks all kinds of adorable as Brendan's chest hair tickles his nose. "Just promise me something."

"Hm?"

"Next time, don't let it take two years until you realize that."

Brendan looks at him through half-closed eyes. Obviously Ste doesn't require an answer because he has already fallen asleep. Brendan's arms tighten around his shoulders, leaving an imprint (a good one) on his pale skin. He leans down to kiss him on the crown of his head.

"I promise you, Steven. I promise."


End file.
